today timothy and i got up early and went all the way to magic mountain. we had so much fun. we went on all the rides in three hours and got turned upside down and everything. this one ride went upside down but like backwards and you were in a position like you were flying, it was insanely ridiculous. timothy held my hand and i felt so close to him. i couldn't have wanted to be anywhere else but there with him.

then we drove to swingers and got yummy pasta and he got breakfast. we had a blast.

i started to get a little tired and cranky and quite irritable to be honest. so we drove to dave and busters and when we sat down we started to argue because tim wanted to go through my phone. which is funny because the reason he doesn't trust me is because i went through his phone/email. i don't understand how thats fair. he gets me in trouble because i have a message from over two years ago to myself. and then he told me that i am in the dog house more than he is with trust. it just hurt me so much because i want to start over with him and not hold grudges. i want a chance for us to be together.

i also asked him if i could spend the night and every time i want to sleep with him he kinda gets mad at me. i dont understand whats so wrong with me wanting to wake up to him. i really love him and i don't want to be anywhere but as close to him as possible. i hate even going to work because i have to be so far away and i miss his guts the whole time.

honestly i think im frustrated because i dont know what to do to earn his trust. i feel even bad writing in here because i know that he would get mad even though noone reads this. i dont see how its fair he can read through my journal and text messages and myspace. but if i even looked at his phone the wrong way i would be losing his trust. i would never ever cheat on him or do anything that would jeapordize our relationship. i even told robert i cant talk to him anymore and that i dont want to hang out with him in vegas because i feel that tim wouldn't be ok with it and i dont want to lose his trust.

i am struggling. i feel like i am working towards a relationship that he doesnt even want. i keep telling myself that he is showing me he does want it because he is being so good to me. letting me sleep over and kissing me and being really nice. i just get scared he doesnt want this as bad as i do. i dont know what to do. i hope things turn out better tomorrow and that im just worrying. i get really scared that im working to a means with no end. i really want this. he makes me happy in every way possible and i can't see myself being with anyone but him. i just get frustrated when he makes fun of me or when he says things that he thinks are funny but they just hurt my feelings.

agh whatever its really late and i think i am overthinking everything. crazy girl hormones. speaking of those i need to go get my birth control shot. i cannot fucking wait to go to hawaii it will be the most romantic amazing thing ive ever done. i cannot wait to do it with timothy.

haha avery's brother gave me his phone number. i think he will be someone good to hang out with when im in vegas. i hope that timothy understands that i need friends out there because its really hard to be alone when im there because i miss him and its pretty scary to be in that town.

wowowowowowowow i want to ride my bike and shut up now. phew byee

i feel absolutely alone in this mess all by myself. what am i going to do?

i dont really know what i'm about to say right now but i do know i need to write this for myself. i'm sure sending it will cause problems so i will write you my last words here in my heart.

tomorrow i will pretend you are a far off memory. i will not mention your name and i will try my hardest to forget you were ever a part of my life. i'm starting to realize that this being alone thing isn't as bad as being hurt all the time. i will also not let you bring me down. i can never forgive all the things you did to me, they were undeserved and i was so good to you in every possible way i could be. i cannot forgive those things tim, because you never wanted forgiveness, you always thought it was ok to make me cry, that it was ok to call me names. i will not forgive you because you don't deserve it, but i will not hold it against you. i still for some god forsaken reason love you as a person and i will not hold animosity towards someone i gave my heart to. i can't fight anymore and i don't have it in me to let you break my heart again.

i wish somehow in the time we spent together i taught you something. i tried my hardest to show you that treating people the right way and caring about something other than yourself is a good thing. all the things you say about me are not true and i will never believe them. you will not stop me from being who i am. i don't care if you tell the world what happened or how awful i am. it doesn't matter because someone who meets me the way you did will truly see the kind of person i am.

you told me that friends leave me after a year because i never listen. well maybe thats true, maybe its hard to listen to someone who calls you a fucking bitch everyday and says i'm stupid and thinks its funny to make me feel bad. its hard to listen to someone who you know is taking advantage of you. it was too hard to hear you because all of it was bad. you never said anything good about me tim. and i am good. and i was good to you and you never ever realized it.

i truly wish i had never looked into your personal things. not for you, but for me. i didn't need to know you were sleeping with other girls. when you said it was "gross" that i talked to other guys and told you i was in love with you. well how gross is you lying to your best friend about everything going on in your life. how sad is it that you let me believe i was the only one for so long. imagine how devastated i was to find out you were sharing our most intimate moments with someone else. i needed to know tim and thats why i looked at your things. it isn't fair to me to think you were with someone else when i was not. i know you don't believe it but i wasn't.

i'm not crying anymore because i dont have the energy left. i can't pretend i never hit you, or yelled back, or just let all of this continue and continue. i did it because i was waiting. i've been waiting for you to realize how much i wanted to be yours. i was hoping to someday be good enough for you to want to tell someone i'm your girlfriend. but it's ok that i wasn't good enough. it makes me sad but i need to realize that someone out there will see me and see how good i am. they will take all the goodness inside of me and help me change the bad. i cant be angry anymore at you. you let me go and that was the best thing that you could do. now i can grow up on my own two feet. i can manage my own life and get myself organized. i am good enough, maybe not for you, but for myself. someday someone good enough for me will marry me and love me and we will have a family that is about love and honor and trust. we will not call eachother names or make eachother cry. we will care and make eachother happy.

thats what i wanted with you and i wish for you. i hope you find someone you love and care for who will show you what it means to not be selfish. i hope you get your degree and become a famous nutritionist or weight lifter. i wished you got into the NFL and made millions of dollars. i wished the world for you tim but you wished nothing but unhappiness for me. you never told me someone would love me or that you wished i was happy. you never wished anything but awful things for me. and it wasn't fair.

i love you timothy ralph thornton. i'm so sorry.

goodbye buster. i would have done absolutely anything for you and i will always keep the promises i made if you need me.

cameron

dear mean cruel awful place,

why? please tell me why? where did he find me? how do i let this all happen? when is it going to be better? i'm 22 years old and all i have done is love and love and get hurt and hurt.

i deserve better. why can't i believe it. theres nothing holding me back. i need to find myself. when is someone going to rescue me.

i'm sorry i'm not good enough. i can't be her. i can't do anything right and i can't fight for you anymore timothy. i can't give you my heart anymore because theres nothing left there anymore. you've taken everything away from me. i've tried to give you all of me and you still can't see how much i love you. you can't realize that you hurt me and you make me unhappy and i can't live without you. you have to leave me. i can't and don't have the strength to do it. so please just go away. let me be.

you hit me so hard today i swear my heart rattled. you haven't taught me anything but pain and suffering. when you said that the first day we reunited was a day that ruined your life. you ruined me. you ruined every good hearted part of me that wants to help you.

i have to give up and i'm not going to survive if i keep living this way. someone help me. please

for once in my life i am completely computer challenged and i have no idea how to use power point. its so confusing i don't even know where to begin. i just can't get it to work for some reason. it feels like i'm falling so behind in school work. i love the classes i'm taking for some reason i just can't focus.

reading about all the future and the changes in technology and how much people are learning makes me feel so stupid. i really need to start reading more of the news and whats going on in the world. i really want to become more versed in the world because that's the start of making a difference in it.

i have no idea why but i keep wanting plastic surgery. i know i don't need it but i think the influence of the other girls and how gorgeous they are makes me just want to look different. no matter what i want ill never be satisfied. i think that will take therapy and not a surgery.

for some reason i feel very indifferent to timothy. he just doesn't ever have a good attitude and he accuses me of being with other people and says awful things to me everyday. it's quite hard to deal with it because i just want him to be happy and he never seems satisfied with anything. everything i do bothers him and i just wonder sometimes why he even hangs out with me. he does so many nice things but doesn't act like he cares about me at all. today he said he could care less after interrogating me about why some random idiot called me out of the blue.

speaking of out of the blue. a dude i dont need to name tried to ask me if i was talking about him months and months ago. its really sad to know someone with a baby and who has pretty much a fulltime girlfriend cares enough to bother me. i havent talked to him in months and i wish he would just have never bothered me. i don't have time for petty drama. i deal with enough bullshit everyday to have someone from my past bothering me about nonsense.

i am so tired. day after day of people sucking every ounce of sanity you have out of you. i don't expect that much from anyone. how is it so hard to just be genuine.

i spent the last three days with the most shallow self absorbed ignorant girl i've ever met. however, in the eyes of most of the world they would consider her beautiful because she has big fake boobs and blonde hair. but beyond that, anyone who cannot go a day without drinking, who complains about absolutely everything, and believes that it is justifiable to take money from people and string them along.

it makes me sick sometimes. i hate that i let people take advantage of me and i do nice things without expecting anything but the return is getting shit on. i just want to dig myself a hole and never come out. when is there going to be someone i put effort into that will just appreciate me and stick around.

i made 2700 this weekend. thank god thats a good start to get me back on my feet to buy a car and start paying off some debt. i really didn't want to work this weekend but i have to. i cannot wait to be happy. i know working and being who i am will pay off. i never want to be like that. someone who uses people for money, uses people for everything they have and not appreciate it.

i just want someone to curl up in bed with me and not care that i'm broken, that i feel like i'm nothing. i just want someone to make me feel safe. a kiss on the forehead and a squeeze so tight nothing could hurt me. the only bad part is that the only person i want to do it will never give me that. i wouldn't take it from anyone else but him. love isn't supposed to be this awful.

haha thank god avery is probably the only one who will see this.

i want to fucking murder this girl. everything she says is beyond dumb. dumb isn't the right word. it's like below dumb and below stupid and even farther below pathetic. i am so tired of ignorant ass bitches who think they are better than everyone because they have fake boobs. if you paid thousands of dollars for those pieces of shit on your chest why are you so vigilant about people touching them or seeing them. fucking christ!!!

not to mention last night was slow i only made 400 dollars there was honestly three to one customers to girls. i wanted to puke on the guys. thank god for mia. she's always so helpful to me and calm. i get frustrated because she makes more money than me but i have to realize that she's been working there a lot longer than me and knows exactly what to say and do.

i don't ever want to be so high maintenance that i bitch about everything. i mean there's always room for some complaining but getting mad because the housekeeper is trying to clean the room, or complaining about the tap water, and dating someone three times your age because they give you money is honestly the most disgusting and repulsive things i've ever heard.

honestly everyone can shove their bmws and mercedes and rolexes and true religion jeans in their fucking asses. i'm going to do something real with my life and with my education and money. i do not want to become a vain piece of shit like these people. i feel like they bring me down and make me feel like i'm doing something wrong because i'm not fucking an old man for money.

i hate these people and this life. i cannot wait to make a difference in the world and be surrounded by wholesome people who don't use eachother for materialistic BULLSHIT.

i feel brilliant right now. i just read about 10 articles on the developments of nanotechnology and how it will change cancer and could possible cure autism and will make most technology cheaper and easier to fund.

i had to return my rental car so for the most part i am a loser who can only go where the box goes. tim was nice enough to take me to school with him so i could sit in the library not doing homework and lurking myspace. i did do homework but im writing this right now which isn't too productive.

we ate at soup plantation today and i could only get down about four bites of food. my cramps are seriously destroying my life right now.

i leave at way too early in the morning for vegas this weekend. i'm not 100 percent on the girl i'm driving with. i'm not sure yet whether i can trust her or not or whether shes just going to do her own thing. its really up to her as long as she doesn't mess with my work.

the search for a new car just keeps going on and on and on. i want to take care of it now and get a new car and not be stranded and dependant on someone to drive me where i need to go. i just dont want to rush things and end up with a car i don't like and paid too much for.

i'm going to go back to work now. this helped relieve some tension. phew

i barely sleep anymore. honestly i probably woke up about 8 and couldn't get back to sleep. last night i was tossing and turning for hours.

i hate being on my period its the worst curse of all time and not to mention it happens every god damn fucking month.

i have honestly still not figured out what university i am going to and what major i am going to be. i'm a big joke.

so today i have to return my rental car and i know tim is going to be an asshole about driving me wherever i need to go. not so excited about that.

i have to stop lurking i promised myself i would it makes me unhappy. i cannot change anything about anyone else i can only decide who and how much other people are involved in my life.

i need to manage my debt and get solutions to all these problems immediately. i can do it. i believe in myself.

today i woke up from a very disturbing dream where i was kissing jordan from new found glory. i have been thinking that i was pregnant so this morning when my tummy started to gargle and feel shitty. i knew my period was coming and also the emotions that run me around in circles.

i went to pick up tim for school today. my teacher was finally there. shes been gone for a week from a car accident. and her lecture was pretty boring. tim was his usually mean self. we have been having hitting problems and he seems to like to push and shove me way too often for my liking.

before class started, tim told me he ran into shelley. its sad i never keep in touch with her but i know tim will get mad and i really just dont want to be around her because she gets so self righteous and i feel like i did wrong by her in the apartment. i dont know i just like being alone sometimes

we went to quiznos and i bought lunch and also tampons cuz my ugly vagina wont stop being mean to me. i was so sick in class i threw up on the walk to the car and tim had to pick me up hunched over on the side of the building. he thought my pain was so funny.

we came to my house and i laid in the bathtub and took midol and somehow i dont know how we ended up messing around and then going to olive garden where our waitress were relentlessly staring at tim and i kept calling one a cunt and saying how i wanted her to die.

then timmy took me to work and i barely made 150 dollars and he wants 60 for some gross gym steroid shit and also he wants me to buy him slimfast. he is the most expensive person on the planet. he thinks money grows on trees.

then i came home an started going crazy. at least i got to talk to avery for a minute. i also called robert because hes been going through a lot. he told me has a lot of symptoms for cancer and i was a bad listener because my cramps were killing me and i was paying attention to myspace. what a shithead. anyway, so i hope he is ok.

i am going to sleep now. i really want to keep up with a diary it helps me to sort out my thoughts. i want to write down what is going on in my life not just what im thinking because sometimes i go back and read and have no idea what was going on i just know i was feeeling awful.

right now i feel like the biggest asshole in the whole entire world.

the one friend who has been here for me through all of my bullshit has told me he is probably very sick and all i can do is be selfish and think about how bad my cramps are instead of sitting back and being a good friend.

i spend 1000% of my time and energy into a person who doesn't appreciate me enough to love me back.

if i could have one thing right now it would be to know what a real life best friend is. i believe i have had some very close friends in my lifetime but most of them i have no appreciated or taken for granted. i have never felt like i was on the same level as someone and shared my life with them.

being an only child and also being adopted. i think i have learned to put myself into situations where i am very solitary and alone. i give myself a false sense of security with someone i know is going to give me false hope. as much as i hate being alone i love my solidarity too.

i read that 40% of children who are adopted after four months who have been put into foster care feel separation anxiety and suffer from both social and psychological problems. i personally believe that being separated from my birth mother has had an effect on how i attach to other people and how i am very afraid that i am going to be alone in this world. i remember being under 10 and sitting in the lobby at my gymnastics classes thinking that my mom wasn't going to pick me up and that i would have to take the bus and take care of myself. i don't think a normal kid thinks things like that when their mom is a little late picking them up.

somehow i want to find a way to not completely remove him from my life. i dont want to give up the idea that we can be friends. because although he has done so many awful things to me. i want to believe that i can be there for him no matter what. i love him unconditionally and i want him to be able to trust in me and understand how much i care for him. but honestly, when my own health and happiness are at cost i need to reevaluate the situation. i'm beginning to feel trapped and that i am getting more and more depressed because i only hear negative awful things everyday.

working where i work is the most stressful and self destructive career. being sucked into a job that pays a lot but has a way of destroying your heart is not what i wanted. i feel like i live a double life and that i cannot trust anyone with anything anymore. i feel like i deserve to be unhappy and that if i change things i will just become more unhappy than i am right now.

tomorrow i am going to do something productive and i'm going to smile and take care of myself. i need to sleep off this horrible depression and realize that i am the only one who can change my life and i am the only one who will push myself to succeed. i only want the best for myself and my heart and i'm not taking care of myself.